Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
