did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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