You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
