community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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