Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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