I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
