I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I did not marry a roomba.
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