So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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