the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
