i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
