If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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