Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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