I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
