You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
