I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Randomize
