I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
