Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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