the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
the day after is always just damage control
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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