I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Randomize
