Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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