the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
