you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
