sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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