Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
