Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
