I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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