y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I smell stomach acid.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
