I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
