What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
