My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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