who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
