I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
