i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
