If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
