I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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