The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
