I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
