You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Dear god my vagina.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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