i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
