can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
