do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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