in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
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