remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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