just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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