my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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