Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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