Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
