i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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