What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
honey bunches of taint.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize