shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
