WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
