I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
