Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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