i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
