The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
The Olympian is in my bed
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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