Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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