"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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